Rewiring my lovesick brain

When life gives you singleness, you make lemonade. Out of the ingredients you like, because you don´t have to consult them with anyone. To sip it in your presence, enjoy the thoughts that come. Or you can sip it with your friends; it doesn´t matter. It is important not to view the lemons as bitter, but to appreciate how refreshing they are.

Getting a bit confused by my metaphors, huh? I admit, I AM mixing them up quite randomly. Let´s dive into it more directionally.

We view being single as missing someone´s other half in their life. We see what´s lacking, and don´t focus on what´s there. I was sitting on my bed, thinking about the absence of a morning sleepy hug from behind, while getting ready to go out with my friend. Then it hit me. I am about to spend time with my friend, ready to get so caught up in our conversation that we´ll lose track of time, and yet I am focusing on the missing morning hug. I know without a doubt that catching up with her will fill me with a joy I can´t put into words. I know I will not lack anything, but still, I was worried I would.

In my case, the need for a boyfriend arises from a sense of missing physical touch and a sense of safety and comfort. Because otherwise, I wouldn´t wish for my life to be different. My cup is full from connections with my friends, family time, my job, university, sport, or hobbies, and when a time with no plans and filled with solitude arises, I WELCOME it. I am thrilled to spend time alone, I enjoy my solo coffee shop dates, and I love to stroll through evening Prague, cook meals for myself, or disappear in nature by myself.

In other words, there actually is NO time for a boyfriend.

Not like I wouldn´t make it if I wanted to. I´m just trying to show that there are no gaps that would need filling; it´s just my romantic ass purposefully poking holes into my cup of happiness.

Another reason why I had been in such want of a relationship was my curiosity. I wanted to know how it feels, what it´s like, and to tick it off of my imaginary bucket list. I experienced one-night stands, one-night friends with benefits, crushes both platonic and reciprocal, situationship and even an unsuccessful gay conversion. But not a serious relationship. Now that I have, I feel so at peace. I feel like I can slow down and not rush into anything.

I am only 22, for Christ's sake.

I started actively looking for a relationship last autumn, which was also when I started looking for a job. I am afraid I got it a bit mixed up. I started to see love as trying to HIRE a boyfriend. I was analysing boys and their behaviour, weighing the pros and cons, debating whether they attract me, and it all got so rational.

That´s not what love is about.

Love is beautiful, sudden, magical, and definitely irrational.

Plus, I got tired of initiating everything, planning dates like a general plans wars, and persuading myself that it is worth it and that the negative emotions are just a part of the process. I don´t want to view socialising as potential boyfriend-hunting or see my singleness as waiting for the right person to come along.

I´m more than ready to let the universe cook for me when it thinks the time is right. In the meantime, I will be sitting in a corner sipping my lemonade in peace and happiness, for the first time.

Love,

Book and Tea Girl