If I were a man

I admit, I do like to mock typical men's behaviour, toxic masculinity traits and patriarchy in general. History has been and still is fucked up for women in so many ways. But let´s not keep it black and white.

There is a reason women share a certain amount of hatred towards men. 80% of persons arrested for violent crimes are male. When a poll asked what would you do if men disappeared for 24 hours, most women said they would go for a walk or a run at night. Nothing crazy, just a simple walk, where you don´t have to look over your shoulder constantly, have only one earphone in, or hold the keys in your fist.

But as the famous saying goes, it´s not all men. And what if all the traits I mock from the position of a woman were mine, if I were a man?

When I can´t stop staring at my friend´s breasts in her low-cut top, she laughs about it. If a man did the same, she would correct him that her eyes are elsewhere. When we are stereotypical about manhood, we think we´re in the right. But if we hear a comment about how women are bad drivers, can´t read maps or are asked to stay in the kitchen, we´ll set the hell loose. If a woman said to me I have a good ass, I would appreciate it. If a man said the same thing, I would find it sexist.

Let´s think about it, shall we? What if the roles were reversed and I were a man?

I would definitely walk around in a sleeveless shirt and unnecessarily flex my biceps all the time. Think Kevin Bacon from Footloose, John Travolta in Grease, or Patrick Schwayze in Dirty Dancing. Half-opened flannel shirts or silk shirts with a low cut would be my uniform.

I would do the half smile, head tilted, intense eye stare downwards as much as possible. When talking to women, I would combine it with putting one hand on the wall.

Do you remember the scene from Barbie where Ken plays her the guitar? That would be me. And I´m afraid I would mansplain all the time. Subtly, of course, so I wouldn´t be called out on the first occasion.

I would chuckle and drink beer. Ooooh, and I would learn how to open a beer with a sharp knife. If anyone found it impressive, I would nonchalantly shrug my shoulders and pretend I didn´t spend hours before the mirror learning it and cut my fingers thrice in the process.

Dancing would be my thing. I would know all the cool moves for the bars and all the steps for the ballroom dancing. And I would hold my suit jacket on one finger and casually keep asking my company if they´re cold and want my jacket.

And don´t get me started on my height. That would be my whole personality. That and drying my face with the bottom of my jersey.

I would write poems for the ladies, say bro to my boys, and call my partner babe.

I´m really grateful to be a woman, even though gender pay gaps, spiked drinks, sexism, and periods exist. There´s something no man could get about analysing every single detail of your date over a coffee, shamelessly discussing your bedroom experiences with your friend in the middle of the bus, or saying compliments to each other that lovers wouldn´t be ashamed of.

And as a woman, I can say stuff like lookin´ good, momma and get a shiny smile as a response, and generally get away with things men would be slaughtered for.

So be glad that I was born a woman and am not walking around as a man trying to look mysterious in my sleeveless t-shirt, being unnecessarily physical with girls while explaining how to play sports, and never shutting my mouth at night, telling them stories about all the constellations.

Love,

Book and Tea Girl