Is the joke funny, though?

I´ve been struggling with food guilt since I was 16. I find it ironic. All my friends and family know me as the garbage chute, the one who will finish food after everyone who feels too full, the one who´ll never shut up about food, the one with an endless stomach. But that´s just one part of it.

I´ve loved food since I was a kid. I always look forward to the next meal, fantasizing about what to cook. When travelling, I want to try all the country's typical products, taking as many pictures of food as of the landscape.

My family don´t truly understand that feeling, and if they do, they don´t think it´s how I should feel according to my gender. I know what you are thinking; that´s just conservative and mean. But bear in mind they grew up in a different generation, and apart from that, they´ve supported me in every other way my whole life. We talked about it. They don´t always understand how hurtful it can be, but they´re trying, and I´ve come to peace with that.

It all started when I gained a few kilograms after I started to take the hormonal pills. Since I've always been taught that gaining weight is bad, I wanted to get my old weight back, but I struggled. And my relationship with food forever changed.

I started to notice that some food was labelled bad, having a flat stomach is desired, and if you´re a girl and like to eat a lot, it´s wrong. My mom tried to help me, but it had the opposite effect and threw me even deeper into the pit.

If I think about it, there hasn´t been a day since 2020 when I wasn´t thinking about food and whether I should eat what I wanted, which makes me sad. I simply love food and can´t help it. Some people make fun of that, which I understand. But sometimes, I wished they knew better.

Pointing at the fact that I described the food lovingly and that it´s fUnNy hOw mUcH I lOvE fOoD can cut deep. When you look puzzled that I'm already hungry, or how much I´m going to eat, or at what time, my brain will remember that. It will tell me I´m weird and wanting food is undesired.

Many people can´t imagine what it´s like to constantly think about whether you should have that bite, whether you shouldn´t sweeten your porridge, or whether you can eat this piece of chocolate since you had a pastry for breakfast. Then you attend a party and inhale three pieces of cake, eat a bowl of chips yourself, offer to finish your friend´s pizza and splash it all with a bottle of coke. And the guilt hits. How could´ve I done this? I will be better next time! But next time is the same.

I´ve always been the tallest and, therefore, the biggest in my high school friend group, my volleyball team, and pretty much anywhere else. Sometimes, I felt bad about how much space I would take, which is simply wrong. You shouldn´t desire to be tiny, unnoticeable, small, or fragile. You are a fucking force, and you deserve every single atom on this planet because it´s your life. I read a theory that society´s opinion that women should be thin is not about body image but about what it portrays: weakness and obedience. If you are not changing your relationship with food for yourself, do it for womanhood.

I know better now—that your body size says nothing about you, and it´s ridiculous to trade health and joy for a smaller size of jeans. Beauty and being loveable are subjective and not about being thin. I´m not saying I´m always content with my body and don´t feel guilty anymore after eating. But I´m aware of what my body is for, and it´s certainly not to fit stereotypical ideas about women.

I know I´m not alone in this. I know that the comments about food or weight hurt a lot of people. So please, especially around Christmas time, be thoughtful and think twice before making a joke, considering someone else´s eating habits. Before you call me a bore, I´m a huge fan of jokes, but they need to be delivered correctly. If you choose the correct wording and the right tone, why not? But carelessly saying the person eats for two people, should ease on the sweets if they don´t want to look like a snowman, or won´t need eating dinner after lunch like that can be triggering.

So please be thoughtful and create a comfortable atmosphere for Christmastime.

Love,

Book and Tea Girl